RUBY….IN SHIT: Kausthub’s email to his Sanga
From: “Dr. Kausthub Desikachar” <email@example.com>
Date: 17. September 2012 03:12:31 CET
To: “firstname.lastname@example.org” <email@example.com>
Subject: [SANGA] RUBY….IN SHIT
Dear Sanga Friends
Words cannot express the sadness and regret that I am feeling right now. In the dark space that I am now, I am not even sure what I will write below will be exactly what is in my heart, nor will it be the most appropriate. So kindly don’t judge these words that follow… if you can, please try to understand the space of suffering I am writing to you from.
On reflection, I see that some of my past actions have been mistakes. I deeply regret the consequences that it has led to and am deeply ashamed. For someone who is considered to be good in perception, strangely I did not see this clearly. I feel like I have let down my self, all of you, and most importantly my teacher and ancestors.
However I can surely say with a surety in my heart, that in all of these circumstances there has never been a conscious manipulative or conniving intention behind them.
I used to feel like a Ruby. But currently I feel like a ruby, that has been dropped in a bowl of shit, and I am suffocating in it. To clean the mess I am in, I realise that I need some help to change and have already taken steps to seek the same. Apart from Yoga, I have reached out to Ruth to help seek a Maori elder to help me. And have also started to contact a Psychotherapist and Counseller to assist me in this journey of healing. I have also asked our own Michael to help me as well. Further I have asked Mr. Sridharan to guide me as I consider him as my second father. I feel that this tradition has the strength to help and heal very difficult circumstances. Hence I am confident that it will even be able to help me, despite the situation I am in.
I feel that even if a ruby is dropped in a bowl of shit, it still is a ruby. It is my job now to clean it so that it can shine even better. I do believe deep in my heart that I have the strength and capacity to change.
In this moment of darkness, while I seek my healing, I request you to seek your own source of strength. I cannot ask you to stand by me or trust me. I even am afraid to ask for forgiveness, as I see the enormous pain some of you are going through. I only ask you to observe my changes.
Though its a coincidence that its a dark new moon today, I feel its symbolic of a new beginning, at least for me.
Love you all very much.
PPS: I am ready to be in the middle. I hope we can meet and form the circle so I can enter it with all of my vulnerabilities.
I send this email after chanting “OM NAMO NARAYANAYA”.