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“The six stages of grooming”

October 26, 2012

There are a few variants of this, and I received this one on email today.

Grooming is the process by which an offender draws a victim into an abusive and emotional/sexual relationship and maintains that relationship in secrecy. The shrouding of the relationship is an essential feature of grooming.

The grooming offender works to separate the victim from peers, typically by engendering in the persons’ sense that they are special to the them and giving a kind of love or attention that the person is lacking.

Stage 1: Targeting the victim
The offender targets a victim by sizing up the person’s vulnerability, emotional neediness, isolation and lower self-confidence.

Stage 2: Gaining the victim’s trust
The offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the person, getting to know his needs and how to fill them. Offenders mix effortlessly with responsible caretakers because they generate warm and calibrated attention.

Stage 3: Filling a need
Once the offender begins to fill the persons needs, that they may assume noticeably more importance in the adults life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection becomes more important in their self worth.

Stage 4: Isolating the adult
The groomer uses the developing special relationship with the adult to create situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection. This isolates the person further from the group they are in. A special relationship can be even more reinforced when an offender cultivates a sense in the vulnerable person that he is loved or appreciated in a way those others, not even parents or friends provide.

Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship
At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively sexualizes the relationship.


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  1. Lolypop permalink

    Excellent!!!! Exactly what has happened….Stage 6: the offender can do whatever he wants during intercourse…

  2. true dat permalink

    also interesting in this context: Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. Psychologist Martha Stout states that sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics. Sociopaths consistently transgress social mores, break laws, and exploit others, but are also typically charming and convincing liars who consistently deny wrongdoing. Thus, some who have been victimized by sociopaths may doubt their perceptions.[7] Jacobson and Gottman report that some physically abusive spouses may gaslight their partners, even flatly denying that they have been violent [2].

    • Lolypop permalink

      Thank you…slowly alltogether we come to the point! And there are still several of these kind of victims around who refuse to speak thinking that compassion is more important in this situation of violence than seeing things just like they are….there is no way to accept abuses and violence but finally that is what they do when they persist on a compassionate attitude!

  3. One of the victims still believes he loved her and only her and she still thinks she loves him.

    • Shankar permalink

      They say “Love is Blind” and this victim is a proof of that

  4. Lolypop permalink

    So it seems that we talk about different women we know who still think that they had a “love story”, a very special one which was opening the way to all kind of abuses and humilations in sexuality. They are in denial that there was not only one single “love story” but many at the same time out of a pool of female students. This discussion just opens for me a new one….which kind of people are certified to become yoga teachers and yoga therapists??? I meanwhile have many doubts about the mental health of many people allowed to act in a situation of therapy. The control should be more serious in this extend in my opinion….

  5. true dat permalink

    Shows that the mind and feelings are something separate. if it helps her to cope with it emotionally right now, it is fair enough. she might not be able to look at it honestly and people need to accept that too. not everyone is so strong.
    plus to me the wisest are always those who condemn the acts, not the persons.
    for me the sickness is really in the whole system. plus we dont know how much emotional/psychological/ mental abuse has been going on in the whole family behind the curtains for generations. it has certainly not been a liberal, antihierarchical or loving environment. which doesnt excuse anything. just want to add that from a psychological view, things could be much more complex.

  6. Lolypop permalink

    Yes much more complex…no doubts…still to have acts you need persons. Its too easy to detach yourself from your acts…and its not a condemnation, it is a fact we all have to face. So definetly, you are right its much more complex..does not mean that it should continue, it should stop..

  7. true dat permalink

    Fully agree.
    But we also have to ask ourselves why we study in a tradtion in which obvious pysical abuse such as a man tying the hands and feet of his son into baddha padmasana and leaving him sitting there for half an hour is just accepted and even told later as an “interesting story” of the guru. I mean, if you tell that and similar stories to people with moral ethics and who dont practice yoga, they would just ask you why you want to study there. sometimes im wondering how much people are willing to accept just in order to get teachings. we see that now, everyone should stop taking part in those courses and boycot- and people just dont. they still want the teachings so badly. but to the price of their own morality. so i agree with you even on that point. what kind of “yoga” teachers do we have out there?

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